BC BDSM

Play parties have rules posted, but above and beyond the rules there is a social dance that happens at events. Newcomers are often unsure of how to behave in a community where conventional social rules like covering your genitals with clothes or not hitting people, no longer exist. The scene still does have social conventions, you don’t wave your exposed bits in peoples faces unless invited, and you only hit people who have given their consent, and well, it’s a little more complex than all that. I’d like to outline some generalities to get you started down the right road to having good scene etiquette.

Etiquette customs differ slightly in different circles. There are differences based on geography, generation and subculture – a group of traditional leather men in SF are going to do things differently than a fetish night club in Berlin, and likely both will differ from your local play party. However most of the guidelines I’ll give you here are a good starting point to work from in any group until you’ve picked up on local customs. When in doubt about how to behave, you can always ask someone in a leadership or organizational position, they’ll likely appreciate it.

1) Respect personal space. Do not touch people, even in what you think of as a normal conversational fashion (like touching someone’s arm or shoulder) without asking permission. Even if someone is an established friend or acquaintance and you touch or hug usually, they may not be comfortable with you doing so when they are in a scene space. Your friendly touchy feely friend, may have a totally different approach to touch when they are in top or bottom role in a play party environment. Never assume touching is okay. In some circles hugging is the norm, watch and see if someone goes to hug you or if you are invited to do so, if you want to hug someone, simply ask first. In some BDSM circles I know of, hugging someone in even a casual way without the prior verbal assurance it is welcome is considered overstepping the bounds. Always work from the assumption that touch of any kind is not okay without asking. Asking to hug or shake hands is not considered an offense in any way, just do not be offended and remain polite regardless of whether the answer is yes, or no. Respecting personal space also means not standing too close to people, leaning into peoples space, ogling or staring at someone not in scene, when people are in scene, watching from a respectful distance – Leave them ample room to maneuver, take into account the back swing of whips and flogs. If the room is too crowded stand against a wall or leave the room. Respecting personal space also means not talking or joking about a scene as it is going on. People in scenes senses are often amplified and they are very aware of the tone and vibe of things going on around them, things you may even whisper may interfere with their scene. Move into a social area to hold a conversation with someone else and away from the side of a scene. Never ever attempt to start a conversation with someone in scene. Do not ask to join in on a scene in progress and do not interact in any way with anyone in a scene without prior invitation/consent. A scene is sacred space, and should always be treated as such. Do not join in scenes, even if it looks like a free-for-all, it is probably arranged between the top and other invited parties. Join in only when invited, and you have cleared it with the top in charge of the scene. Aftercare, after scenes, when people are cuddling, or coming down from a scene, is also delicate space that needs to be respected. What looks to you like the end of a scene is often just a phase, the bonding time between people after a scene is an extension of that scene. Do not intrude into peoples after play space either, give people a chance to navigate to you after a scene, rather than you to them. Never ever get too close to a bottom during scene, or directly after a scene, give them a lot of space. Bottom’s are often particularly vulnerable during and after scenes, and it is the responsibility of their top(s) to maintain their physical and emotional safety. If you have concerns about something going on in a scene, approach dungeon monitors at events that have them, if there are no designated dungeon monitors, party hosts are the responsible parties to approach with your concerns. Give people time and space to come down. Give up seating and comfortable spaces to people coming out of scenes. If you need to ask a question, like “Would you like this blanket/pillow ?,” address the top, not the bottom, and be as brief and quiet as possible.

2) Do not assume a role or relationship with someone. First off, never assume what someone’s role is, they may identify as a top, a bottom, a dominant, a submissive, a switch, a dominant who bottoms but doesn’t submit, a submissive who tops, etc. They may or may not choose to disclose their role preferences publicly. You can ask, but you aren’t owed an answer, people have the right to privacy, and to determine their chosen roles when they wish and with whom they wish. Also, even if you know someones role preferences, be aware that those are roles that are negotiated with specific individuals. Unless you have negotiated a role with someone, you are not their top, their bottom, their dominant, or their sub. If you are a submissive you are not every dominant’s submissive, it is rude to approach a dominant in such a fashion that implies a d/s relationship with them. If you act ’submissive’ towards someone you are implying the expectation of domination from them, which is impolite and presumptuous. Do not use titles such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am, etc, unless someone has indicated a preference and you are comfortable with it. Likewise, you do not have an obligation to use a title a dominant chooses. If you are a dominant you are not every submissive’s dominant, it is also rude to approach a submissive in a fashion that implies a d/s relationship with them. Do not use slang or derogatory terms for submissives unless you have established it’s okay to do so. Submissives are due the same respect as dominants. Everyone is a person first, and you do not have the right to impose your dominance, or your submission, on anyone without negotiated consent. Introducing yourself and asking someones name is acceptable, remember with respect to touch that extending a hand to shake may be frowned on in some circles.

3) Respect the physical environment. Do not touch people’s stuff without permission. This includes all play toys, gear, fetish wear, etc. Toys are often designated for certain bottoms only, need to be kept clean or may even have been sterilized in anticipation of a scene. If someone does let you hold a toy, do not then ‘use’ that toy without additional permission. Never test a toy on yourself, or anyone else, or even swing a whip through the air, without first asking permission. It is considered impolite to wield someone else’s toy even if they’ve given you permission to hold and look at it. If someone has left equipment somewhere, do not move it or remove it without their permission or permission of a dungeon monitor or host. Clean up play furniture or play areas when you are done using them. Pick up your toys and clean up as soon as you are done with a space so someone else can use the play area. Do not occupy play furniture for hours on end. If play furniture and play space are scarce, ask the host for an estimate of a reasonable amount of time to use it, if you want to plan a really long special scene at a party, you may want to clear it with event hosts in advance. Wipe down the play furniture thoroughly, hosts and dungeon monitors often provide appropriate cleaning materials if you don’t have them on hand. If you are unsure how or with what to clean a play station, ask a dungeon monitor or host. People at parties are often hyper aware of cleanliness and safety. A play party venue may only have food and drink for sale in individual serving sizes for food safety reasons, usually bringing your own snacks and beverages to an event that sells snacks is an acceptable alternative. If it is an event that puts out communal snacks, bowls of chips, etc, make sure your hands are clean, don’t double dip items, and try not to handle food you’re not going to be eating. Just because you are comfortable with something don’t assume everyone else will be. For events held in someone’s personal space, bring communal snacks if the hosts suggested it, or ask if you can bring something. In many circles alcohol and drugs are not allowed, do not bring alcohol to an event without checking first with the host. Always err on the side of cleanliness, caution, and respect. If you stay till the end of a party consider offering to help clean up before you leave. If you want to lend a hand during the party, most event hosts appreciate the extra help, ask what you can do to help out.

4) Respect Confidentiality. Never discuss events from scenes and parties outside the event using peoples names, scene names or real names, without their permission. It’s a small world, and outing someone else will likely come back to bite you in the butt. It is usually okay to describe people’s scenes in a manner that leaves the participants and the hosts, unidentifiable, but even then it is better to ask first. It is also good form to email copies of anything you post in a public forum to anyone referenced, and sometimes in advance if there is anything you are unsure of. Ask the party host if you are in doubt about whether the party is mentionable or not. The rule of thumb is that people, parties and events are not mentionable publicly unless stated otherwise. Also respect confidentiality by being discreet leaving and arriving at parties and events, and not acting out in public spaces that could identify a location or group that wishes to be discreet.

5) Refrain from gossip and talking negatively about others in the kink community. If you try to make someone you don’t like look bad, you may succeed, but keep in mind you’ll make yourself look bad as well in the process. People may publicly agree with you or seem interested or supportive, but usually no one likes or trusts a gossip. Most people take people with negative news and views as negative people. Most people worry that the gossiper may also talk about them the same way to others. It is not your responsibility to inform others of someone else’s shortcomings. If you seriously feel someone is a risk to others in the kink community, bring it to the attention, formally, to leaders in the community and hosts of events where it is relevant only. Keep in mind, they may not share your opinion, so think carefully before doing so.

In general you can talk to the hosts during the party or, if more appropriate, after, to ask questions or say thank you. If you felt uncomfortable about anything at all at the party, talking to the host afterwards is a good idea. Don’t bring concerns to others or a public venue or forum, certainly not without permission, or without approaching a host about it first. Of course you can, but do you really want to? It is a politer approach to go first through the hosts and then to the larger community. Hosts usually very much want to help their guests. Hosts also usually appreciate feedback to make for better events.

These etiquette rules are generalizations. Every community, every party, every host, may have a slightly different set of expectations. You can always check in with those organizing, before, during, and after.

Mind your manners, play safe, and have fun!

XO
Katt
(Copyright 2005-2009)