BC BDSM

RED FLAGS

The term Red flag describe a personal trait or behaviour that is common in people who are harmful to others.

When getting to know someone  new it is very important that you look for red flags. When you see these red flags, slow down or stop the relationship.

Understand that none of these red flags on their own are a sign of a bad person.

What you are looking for with red flags is a group of negative repeating behaviours. Not an isolated incident. We all make mistakes. Rather look for patterns of behaviour and repeating behaviours.

Over-all, the more red flag behaviours you see in a person, and the more often you see them, the more you are at risk from this person being harmful towards you.

Red flags can apply to any gender, or any role or relationship. Dom, sub, male, female, trans, switch, hetero, homo, bi, pan, frienships, d/s relationships, marriages, relatives, work relationships, etc.  They are not specific to any gender, orientation, or relationship.

If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship seek out help.

Start by telling someone you trust.

If there is no one you trust personally, find someone you can trust professionally a Doctor, therapist, shelter, etc.

RED FLAGS:

• Tries to limit your access to others in your life friends, family, BDSM community.
• Forbids contact with others or undermines relationships or activities with others.
• Is negative and un-supportive of other relationships you have.
• Is reluctant to give you personal and factual information about themselves.
• Gives inconsistent or conflicting information or details about themselves.
• Gives contradictory information about past events or about self.
• When you ask personal questions, gets angry or changes the topic.
• When you ask personal questions ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
• Gets mad if you ask for references or want ask others about them.
• Has very limited times/places/methods where you are able to contact them.
• Critical of the BDSM community.
• Critical of multiple respected members of  the BDSM community.
• Has multiple interpersonal conflicts within  the BDSM community.
• Is always exaggerating.
• Consistently breaks promises.
• Makes plans then makes excuses for not meeting.
• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
• Does not take personal responsibility.
• Does not acknowledge own mistakes.
• Will not apologize or admit a wrong.
• When they do apologize the apology feels insincere, phony, or is insulting in nature.
• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
• Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a sexual relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a poly relationship too fast.
• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
• Hides behind their D/s role and says that their authority should not be questioned.
• Conspicuous consumption: spending largely and inappropriately on luxury items while living through a difficult economic period (under employed or starting a new business.)
• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough.
• You constantly feel guilty around them.
• Says that you are not a true sub/slave/dom.
• Loses control of their emotions in arguments.
• Raises their voice, yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Puts you down in front of other people.
• Gives the impression of being very successful without any evidence of real success.
• Unwritten understanding that in order to remain on good terms with them you cannot question their behaviours.
• Turns instantly on their own friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
• Holds a grudge against others.
• Lies or withholds information.
• Cheats on you.
• Is overly jealous.
• Is insecure.
• Is constantly comparing themselves to others.
• brags excessively about their experience, scene credentials, mastery, training, scene name dropping.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
• Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
• Belittles your ideas.
• Blames you for your hurt feelings.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
• Displays a disproportionately negative reaction to being told “no”.
• Is constantly asking for money or material goods from you or others.
• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
• Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
• Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless.
• Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

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This is NOT copyrighted material. Please copy and distribute freely.

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Want more?…

On Abuse in the scene

Recommended Reading:

The Gift of Fear

Additional resources:

• Narcissism by Alexander Lowen, M.D.
• Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare, PhD
• _Anyone You Want Me To Be_ Douglas, John with Stephen Singular (One of three books about John Edward Robinson, Sr. and by far the best. Written by a retire FBI Criminal Profiler)
• Predator & Prey: Unethical Practices within the BDSM Community by Ms. Jody (Self-published and hard to find. The author can be found at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=39882768)
• Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph.D. with Donna Frazier
• _Learning to Say No_ by Carla Wills-Brandon, M.A.